Holding On

This summer, I had been working at a public hospital (Lady Hardinge) in Delhi as part of my Masters (in Psychology) program. It is what has kept me busy and completely exhausted for the past month-which is my excuse for not having written anything for the blog. Needless to say, it was a mentally taxing experience which has left me with a feeling bittersweet.

My first interaction was with this little boy, 4 years of age, diagnosed with “mental retardation” so severe that he barely could walk, talk or even sit up without support. The hospital had become a home for him and his mother, even though it is common knowledge that with mental retardation so severe and at an early age, the prognosis is miserable.

My interactions were limited to his mother, and initially I felt this intense sympathy for her. On hearing her story, I found that this woman had left her alcoholic husband who used to beat her; which, I feel is a task that is easier said than done. This child was her only child and she was financially dependent on her parents, all of whom belonged to the LSES. It doesn’t make so much sense without giving the context, but let’s just say that she couldn’t even afford to buy fruits for her child.

As I spent time with her, the feeling of sympathy was replaced by respect. I was proud of her for being the epitome of resilience, even though her own experience was neither of sympathy nor pride. I realized that sympathy was only what I felt for myself. I knew within seconds of talking to her that sticking through such a situation was something that was quite impossible for me to do.

Why I chose to write about this in my blog, which usually is a refuge from the stressful academic work that we do, is because even though I might never completely relate to this kind of situation this experience has made me realize how much love there is in the world. Giving up on something that you love, be it work, your love or anything under the sun, should be the last option. Actually, maybe it shouldn’t be an option at all. Even though the very thought of not being able to give up may sound suffocating, I feel that  trying and going after the person/thing you love leaves you feeling proud for at least trying. 

I would love to feel as proud of myself as I did for her. 

Truth, Beauty, Freedom and Love

All I needed was Moulin Rouge to re-discover myself. Watching the movie re-awakened in me the ideals that I hold so close to me, the mantra of the Bohemian Revolution- Truth, Beauty, Freedom, and Love.  The world hasn’t seen a better movement. The counter-culture revolution of the 80’s was equally liberating, but somehow the idea of polygamous and open relationships doesn’t make me comfortable just yet. That doesn’t mean I judge those who believe in it, but it’s just not for me. Strangely, I also realized that even though I stand by the workers revolution, the main factor that pushes me to be so strongly anti-capitalist is because capitalism devalues love. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend? Oh come on.

Freedom of choice was something that I wasn’t giving myself. I was settling for non-passionate-love instead of looking for the all-consuming kind. Lying to myself by not chasing my big dream (which is to look for true love) is also in direct contrast to the ideal of truth.

I love stories about passionate people who love passionately. Even if it ends in tragedy. Everyone needs to live once, and being in love is the only thing that can make you feel alive. I have always wanted to date an artist or a poet- someone who is free-spirited unlike most businessmen, someone who makes me life feel like a musical, someone free from the constraints of time and money of this traditional lifestyle.

 Nothing sums this feeling up better than Christian in Moulin Rouge:

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return”

That is all I have to convince you, and if I have, then just try. Dream a little. Make freedom a perspective, a way of being. Be true to yourself and your feelings. Find love, and you’ll know that it’s all you really need. 

A-Morality

I have a confession: Despite my love for the Victorian era and British propriety, (Oh, you’ll know if you see the Jane Austen series) I pride myself on being amoral. It irks me to see people constantly obsess about what is right or wrong, what they should or shouldn’t do and so on. I just don’t have a punitive superego, actually sometimes I wonder whether I even have one or not.

Anyhow, when it comes to relationships I really feel that “everything is fair in love”- as long as you’re honest about it. Sigh. There comes the first “moral” contradiction that lies in being an amoralist, but just so that it’s clear- I do believe that being humane should be top priority. Then comes doing whatever the hell you want. So no, wife-beating and cheating on your partner is NOT fair in love.

I believe in freedom of feelings. That’s what I mean by being amoral in love. It saddens me to see so many questions of what people (especially women) ought to feel. What the hell does that mean anyway? Forums are filled with questions like “my boyfriend did/does blah blah and I feel so bad about it. 


"SHOULD I feel bad? Or am I overreacting?” Questions like these and replies to them obviously help people feel better by seeing that they’re not the only ones killing themselves over such feelings. I'm no agony aunt, but I feel that they’re oxymoronic. I mean, read your question- you already feel bad. Sure, people could make you feel better by acknowledging (or worse, judging) how you feel, but them telling you that you shouldn't feel the way you're feeling won't change anything, will it?

Also, just an observation: “My boyfriend is amazing, should I feel nice?” doesn't seem to be half as popular.

Feelings don't need censorship, those who pass judgement on them do. "Because I feel so" is a perfectly appropriate answer.

P.S: It’s funny how the moral of the story is to be amoral. Ugh, contradictions.

There's a right way, a wrong way- and then there is the way you feel.

What Women Want: Reversing The Game

What women want from men has generated a series of (never ending) discussion. It is by far the most common of all of men’s worries. Google gave me links to a number of lists of things that women want men to do and not very surprisingly, I agreed with most of the things. Here, check this list of 50 things women want men to do.

The most featured tip was (again, not a surprise) that women felt that men should already know what they want (exactly how I used to think too). That tip is problematic for me because this assumption that men should know is completely wrong and it causes a lot of trouble in relationships- I mean come on, how many times has it happened that you’re sulking because he flirted with someone else (in front of you), and he’s blissfully unaware of it? And we all know how that fight escalates!

The ironical part of this tip is that often in lists, this tip comes with the golden rule of communicating. Women like being communicated to, but when it comes to communicating what they want/need, this rule goes for a toss.

Enough has been said about the women and how they create this situation of confusion for men (and themselves). It is now time to cross the bridge and see how men over-exaggerate this problem and use it to their advantage. Well first off, they keep complaining about how we don’t tell them our problems and expect them to guess. But guess what? When you do tell them exactly what you want, then they don’t know what to do either!

So I started this new thing with my boyfriend. I now tell him exactly everything I want. For example: romantic gestures, support when I need, my need to be communicated to... everything. And it’s not surprising that he still doesn’t know what to do, but at least now he cannot blame me. I feel that maybe men like to live in this doubt, even though we give them a billion signs- verbal and nonverbal- about what we really want. It is like the only excuse for whatever reason it is that they don't like doing those things. So the least we women can do is throw this argument back at them. Don’t give him the chance to say “I don’t know what you want”. Tell him.

Love Isn't Easy

Hello and welcome to ABBA land. Suddenly I feel as if my blog has been taken over by music artists, authors and so on. However, I’m a passionate, impressionistic girl- I am equally prone to getting consumed by them and getting bored by them! Anyhow, this post isn’t to rant. It is to talk about some of the virtues that this particular song (Love Isn’t Easy) teaches me.

For those of you who haven't heard the song, there you go: 

The first rule is- “Love isn’t easy, but it sure is hard enough.” Love is difficult. Period. Actually, all relationships are- even friendship to an extent. Anything that requires letting go of your selfish needs and demands and adjusting to the other person is difficult. Not only that, it’s scary too, to find yourself in a place where you lose your “individuality”, if I may say so.

The golden rule is- “We gotta have patience.” This is one of the most obvious rules that we always tend to forget. No one has the time anymore for patience. The moment my boyfriend does one thing that might show  that he doesn’t care for me anymore, my thoughts jump to breaking up with him. Patience is especially needed after the honeymoon period when things begin to change and no one likes that change!

And finally, the only rule that is the prerequisite of true love is- “If I would have to choose, I wouldn’t let you go. Just give it some more time and you will see our love will grow.” Yes, holding on. Things will get rough- don’t think that if it’s true love then things will always go well: WRONG assumption. Don’t let go every time things get rough.  And next time you feel like letting go (especially for the smaller things), just remember that even though letting go feels like the easier option, getting over someone is harder than loving them. 

Austen Inspired (Part 3): Sense and Sensibility

This is the last of my Austen-inspired posts. The first two were:

1. Austen Inspired (Part 1): Letters and Love

2. Austen Inspired (Part 2): The Dancing Man

This isn't a tribute to one prominent aspect of Jane Austen's writing (like letters or dancing). This is a tribute to her novel, Sense and Sensibility. Even though Pride and Prejudice has always topped the popularity charts, I have my own doubts about it's position there. It is of my opinion that Sense and Sensibility is the most brilliant piece of fiction by Jane Austen. It is through this post that I attempt to justify my opinion and share with you what the novel taught me.

1. I like how Austen lets the relationship between the two sisters- Marianne and Elanor- occupy a central position, as opposed to other novels in which all relations apart from courtship are usually peripheral. I think it is interesting how the two sisters learn from each other- borrowing from each other's world of sense and sensibility. I have often been told by my best friend that I am not grounded in reality (quite like Marianne), while I know that she is. I think we, like the two sisters, have learnt from each other.
   
   
2. Personally, I feel thankful to Austen for not letting sense win over sensibility. It would have been truly sad had that happened. There is a definite balance between the romanticized world view of Marianne (which I believe to be inherently irrational) and the proper and rational world view of Elanor. Both extremes fail and that's how the balance kicks in. I like the Shakespearean touch of romanticism in the world of propriety that Austen lived in.
   
   
3. One word- WILLOUGHBY. Boy, I can't wait to meet a man like him (except the betrayal part). He is everything I want in a man. He's the epitome of romance, more so than Romeo. With him there is passion and poetry, song and dance, rain and sun. Even if it's a short-lived romance, I feel that everyone needs a Willoughby in their lives, just to feel alive. That is what the point of romance is- to feel alive. Actually, my current boyfriend was just like him- it was like a knight in shining armour swept me off my feet- alas, we live in the “real” world where the romance declines considerably after the first year.
   
   
4. At the end, Marianne marries Colonel Brandon. While this may be an unsatisfactory ending for many, I was quite happy. One, it made me realize the value of dedication and undying love. Even though Marianne is busy romancing Willoughby, Brandon's love for her stays where it was. I don't like Brandon for being “Edward-like” (Forgive the twilight reference) and not trying with passion and energy, but sometimes you need a man like that too. A man who will make the effort of reading out poetry to you and stay with you- through thick and thin.
   
   
5. My final (and biggest) reason for such favouritism is the character of Marianne Dashwood. She is frank and outright. It is she who taught me that feelings should be expressed- It doesn't matter whether they're happy or sad, acceptable or unacceptable. Anything that is felt should be expressed even if it makes you feel like a fool at time. Ergo, if you feel like crying, just cry!
   
   
   She made herself vulnerable by leaving the world of propriety behind for love and even though she failed, she got back up gracefully and found love again. That is the biggest lesson I learnt- Failing once in love doesn't mean that you should give up. Sure, it hurts- but love will find a way back into your heart.
   
   
   My impressionistic self is at peak when I read of her and the things she says.
6. 
   
   “The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!”
   To hear those beautiful lines which have frequently almost driven me wild pronounced with such impenetrable calmness, such dreadful indifference!"

Austen Inspired (Part 2): The Dancing Man

After my first post on letters (Austen Inspired Part 1- Letters and Love), I’m back with Austen obsession and this time it has to do with two of my greatest passions of all time- love and dancing. As Miss Austen aptly mentioned in Pride and Prejudice, “to be fond of dancing was a certain step towards falling in love.”

I think that this statement still holds ground. Here's why:

1. There's no such thing as dancing without emotions. By definition, dancing involves letting go and expressing every emotion. It is probably the most passionate expression of love. 

2. Ballroom dancing is an excellent method to understand one's chemistry with a potential suitor. Think about it- Gazing into each other’s eyes, with minimal yet sufficient body contact and lovely music are bound to heighten the romantic experience.

3. When two people dance together, they form a team. Relationships are like dancing, it's about two people letting go of their emotions, dancing as if no one's watching, not caring for the world and trusting each other by  leading and being led. When two bodies come together to dance, they function as a team. 

4. It really doesn't matter whether you know the proper technique of dancing, just let go- You'll learn as you dance.

Sadly, ballroom dancing has been replaced by dirty dancing (and some shady version of it), which isn’t too bad either (In its defence, it is passionate!), but it is definitely not a step towards falling in love.

So I guess I’ll have to make do with the thousand frogs who dirty dance before my dancing prince charming comes and sweeps me off my feet (both literally and otherwise) with all the grace and charm in the world. And he doesn’t have to be a good dancer for doing so, just a good teammate.

Movies that make me want to marry

Most of my desire to get married comes from movies.  Marriage for me is about companionship and movies always show that, however an attempt has to be made in order to look beyond the glossy, larger than life story that is often portrayed.

So here is a list of  movies that make me want to marry (in descending order).

FIVE:

My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002)

In-laws seem to be a common theme, and more often than not they are interfering, annoying and cause a lot of trouble. This movie has toned down the interference (which in real life is rare. I mean COME ON. How often do mother-in-laws try to poison their daughter-in-laws!) but it heightens what is often a hindrance in weddings. The eccentricities. This movie brings in 2 people from very different cultures and the different  perspectives that is often thrust upon a couple. Again, it’s a movie about survival and sticking to a big-fat-greek wedding rather than eloping. Now that I have written about it, it seems to me the Hollywood-version of Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge.

Lesson learnt: Compromise is the keyword.

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FOUR;

Sweet Home Alabama

Marrying the high school sweetheart is the dream. More often than not, it is an unrequited dream. Why? Well because we all fear getting “stuck” with one person for the rest of our lives. Of course it is scary to not have any “options” to “choose” from. Bad excuse, I know. But such is nature. It’s not always a bad decision though. Anyhow, I am deviating. To get back to the point, sometimes you need a few months (or years in this case) to explore your options, but what this movie made me realize that true love haunts and hunts you down. I hated Rheese Witterspoon for being such a bitch, but all’s well that ends well. A husband who doesn’t let you go easily is a keeper. Hunt him down.

Lesson Learnt: In a relationship, there must be at least one person who doesn't give up.

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THREE:

 Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge (DDLJ)

Running away, escaping, and denying your love for another is much easier than standing up for them. It takes courage, a virtue that I wish more men possessed. Once you emerge victorious, you’ll see that your love went through ALL of that and survived- always a happy feeling. I would love to survive something with a person. 

Lesson Learnt: What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

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TWO:

 Original Sin

Femme Fatale meets the man who any girl would die for and plays around with his life. I sense that it’s not the perfect love story, definitely not one I would want. However, what I would want is that passionate relationship that Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderas shared. It would be very difficult to get bored in such a marriage surely! 

“If someone would bring me my coffee every morning before I dressed, I would be very happy. It would change the day.”

– Angelina Jolie, The Original Sin.

What I like about this quote is that even in a movie so dramatic, there is scope for the mundane things and the happiness you get out of them in a marriage.

Lesson Learnt: You just cannot walk away from true love. 

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ONE:

Shall we Dance

For me, this movie is about how the differently the mundane things in marriage can be interpreted. For her, it was about having a witness to her life whereas for him, it was about finding an interest away from his wife. I wouldn’t have liked the movie had Richard Gere not redeemed himself by the end of it. I think it’s important to let the other person in when you’re married.

I think this quote should suffice:

“We need a witness to our lives. There are a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness”

- Susan Saradon, Shall We Dance

Lesson Learnt: Oh well, Susan said it all. Marriage is about sharing. 

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Austen Inspired (Part 1): Letters and Love

History is best told as a tale and the social situation during the Regency period in Britain wouldn’t have been the same without Jane Austen. She paints a beautiful picture about the notions of romance, courtship and describes the social hierarchy without making an apparent effort. That, by default, makes her my favourite author.

What draws me further to her is the kind of language she uses- simple, not Shakespearean.  Yet, it sounds “proper”, just like British English should! Well, long story short- I love Jane Austen and it’s about time I drew from her novels (and the movies based on them) because if we’re talking about love, we simply cannot forget my dear Miss Austen.

Thus, I begin this journey. I hope I do her some justice.

Austen's first tip of romance: Write letters

There is no such thing as an emotionally-neutral word. Each and every word is so full of passion and meaning that the gift of words could be the sweetest gift that one could receive. Writing, in itself is an act of love. It is almost sensuous, the way the ink is traced on paper, weaving out words. When you write, especially when you pen down your feelings, the feeling is one of liberation and insight. To think of it, writing is a secret indulgence- a confession to oneself (in the form of a diary) or to another (a letter).

Letters are now the most underrated form of communication. Alas, it’s not 1811 anymore and people obviously prefer texting, IMing and chatting over typing out an email (or better still, writing a letter). Lingo is becoming shorter and so are the number of words used to express feelings!

We all love letters- we just find excuses to explain the lack of them in our life. Find me one girl who doesn’t have a smile on her face while reading a letter from a secret admirer (or a known one!).

A letter could be just a random gesture of love in a long distance relationship- to spice things up! In fights, letters can often be a saviour. They are the best way to say or explain something and save a lot of energy that is usually spent shouting- like Mr. Darcy does in Pride and prejudice.  While breaking up through a letter is something I wouldn’t encourage- letters can also be the road to closure.

Writing a letter to someone is like enclosing everything you have ever felt in a piece of paper. And giving that gift to someone is the sign of a complete emotional connection. Just write a letter to that someone special, you'll know how good it feels to make that special effort. Some traditions are worth keeping. 

Oh..how I would love to receive a handwritten love letter! 

“Let us not underestimate the power of a well written letter”- The Jane Austen Book Club.

Little Things That Matter Much

The transition from the honeymoon period, to the period of compromise is never a smooth one. The predominant fear is that is that of change and the resistance to it makes sure that this transition is the thorniest road in the life of a couple. The most common accusation is “You’ve changed”, following which is of course the series of deliberation with oneself, considering whether or not you still desire this changed person. The result of getting past this minor hurdle is usually happily-ever-after (exceptions: cheating, family issues).

Anyone who’s been in a relationship for longer than a year will concur. There comes the phase of arguments and fighting and the relationship in general seems to be regressing. I admit that accepting change is extremely difficult for me. However, compromise need not always be so blatant.

Lately, I seem to have developed a passion for baking- something that really didn't interest me earlier. It’s mostly for my boyfriend that I bake (even though we live in different countries). Somehow, it makes me extremely happy to find myself doing something for him.  Just like a child wants to prove that he/she is a good child, I think I'm trying to be the good girlfriend.

It really isn’t conscious manipulation that I’m talking about here. I really enjoy baking for him, and I doubt I would be doing it if it wasn’t for him. I guess it just reinforces my feelings about him and distracts me from thinking about fights. Consciously or unconsciously, baking has become a subtle gesture of compromise- a gesture that says I want to get through this. 

Think of any recent hobbies that you've taken up and maybe you'll realize where it came from. Rest assured, it will make you smile.

The Big Dream

“"She believed in dreams, all right, but she also believed in doing something about them. When Prince Charming didn't come along, she went over to the palace and got him" - Walt Disney

There are several types of dreams. There are the dreams that are impossible, like the incessant desire to fly. Some dreams are small and short lived, like the dream to top in an exam. Then, there are the big dreams. These are the ones that are grounded in reality, yet they seem too far off to chase down.

Movie Inspiration: Pretty Woman

This movie made me realize the importance of chasing down a dream. Have you ever won something you worked really hard for? Then you’ll know what I mean. The last scene of this movie made me feel like that. Like Julia Roberts had worked as a prostitute all her life, waiting for her Prince Charming to save her, and when he finally does- it’s because she had the courage to seize her dream.

What if she had given up? When I feel like giving up, I think of this movie. My big dream has always been to find romantic, spontaneous, all consuming love. There are times that I try to convince myself that the dating world is a bitch and I might never find the ideal person. Why lose someone who is "good enough" to chase down something that I don’t even know exists.

But, somewhere deep down in my heart, I know that these are just excuses. It’s always easier to give up. The hardest thing to do is to stand up for your dream and stick with it until the very end. If you give up, you regret. I've held on to my dream so selfishly all these years, I’m not going to give it up for someone who makes me feel like maybe this dream doesn’t exist. Because it does. I know. It. Does.

Confessions & Consequences

Movie Inspiration: Love Actually

It’s my favourite movie of all time, my favourite Christmas movie in particular. It combines a lot of my interests, actually - my love for love (obviously), my love for stories, my love for the British accent and London, and my love for Christmas.

The scene that I am referring to is the best proposal EVER. And when I say that, it means a lot because I have been brainwashed completely and thoroughly by millions of proposal videos that I have watched (and wanted) over the years. I’m talking about the scene where Andrew Lincoln (Mark) proposes to Keira Knightley (Juliet) by holding up banners.

To be completely honest, this wasn’t my original blog idea. I was going down the clichéd road, as for me and many others this is the ideal proposal. Not that I wouldn't love it if someone proposed to me like this, but there is so much more to this scene than just that.

Whoever hasn’t seen the movie, she is married to his best friend and this confession is just a catharsis because he has been hiding his feelings all this while. At that moment, I did believe that love is pretty much amoral. I still do believe that, and if you see from his perspective, it was the right thing to do. It also takes so much courage to confess and not expect anything in return. Selfless love is after all a rarity.  

What I did not see was the utter confusion it causes in the person who you confess your love to. It is actually mind boggling, even if the person knows that the situation with her husband/partner isn’t going to change- especially if something is expected in return.

I felt the same kind of confusion when an ex boyfriend (who was a long term, serious boyfriend) confessed that he was still in love with me, almost a year after our breakup. I was dating my current boyfriend at that time, and I was very much in love so there was the decision was really a no-brainer, but the first thing I felt was an overwhelming sense of guilt. I didn’t know how I could “reward” him for having the courage to tell me.

Sacrifices and such things have always been (and still are) elusive concepts for me, but in that moment I knew sacrificial love existed. My ex said that didn’t want to get back with me, because he feared that he would hurt me again. All he wanted to do was tell me, and that is exactly what he did.

Maybe that was my saving point, and Kiera Knightley’s too because there was no demand from the other end. I didn’t have to make a choice, and that made the guilt pass sooner. Eventually, I felt wonderful, as if someone had secretly loved me, watched me while I was blissfully unaware of it- for six long years.

"To love is to be vulnerable"

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. To love is to be vulnerable.” 

― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Movie Inspiration: He’s Just Not That Into You

Apart from the obviously important message this movie sent out, I found one story in the movie especially alarming. Remember Ben (Bradley Cooper) and Janine (Jennifer Connelly)? For those of you haven't seen the movie—they are a married couple and Ben has an affair with Anna (Scarlett Johansson). When Ben confesses, the first thing he says is that he wants to move out whereas Janine is the one who thinks that they could work it out.

One couple I know is getting divorced because they are/were in a similar situation- she wanted to make it work and not the other way round. Now, why the guy wants to leave is a  completely different argument altogether and I'm not getting into that, it's his prerogative. What shocks me is the complete indifference that the person who cheats doesn't even care enough to sort it out or explain to his/her partner. There is no apparent guilt, if at all there is any real guilt.

So Janine here (like the woman in the couple I know) runs after Ben trying to get him to explain to her what she did wrong. Sheesh. If you ask me, that is all the way down to strike 3- making oneself so very vulnerable. When I saw this happening to someone close to me, my first reaction was again a mixture of helplessness and frustration- something I think was a projection of her feelings on to me. But gradually (it's been a couple of months), I have realized that it's okay to be vulnerable. In fact, sometimes, it's better to be vulnerable in love because no matter how foolish it makes you feel, it rules out the chances of regret. Janine tried. Period.

A feeling of vulnerability might also come from little things. For me, it was the first time I cried in front of my boyfriend that I felt so exposed. I felt that I was giving him a sense of power over me and making myself vulnerable. I'm comfortable now, trusting him with that power- knowing he wouldn't misuse it.  It doesn’t take as much of an effort to be calculative and hold back as it does to let yourself go and be vulnerable. And sometimes it just takes an act of vulnerability to build trust. 

The Irrationality Behind The Pros and Cons List

In most relationships, it is very hard to let go. It might also be equally hard to stay put with the person who might have hurt you or whose needs are very different from yours. Relationships, especially at the verge of a breakup, are known to cause a severe avoidance-avoidance conflict that can take a toll mentally. A logical way that is often suggested to us is to make a pros and cons list to help us make our decision. But does that really work in the obvious way that people think it does?

MOVIE INSPIRATION: SEX AND THE CITY

This reminds me the movie “Sex and the City” where after Steve cheats on Miranda, they decide to undergo therapy. The therapist tells them to make a list of pros and cons and decide whether they want to be together or not. Miranda, as whoever has watched sex and the city will know, is the quintessential lawyer. She is logical, practical and sets down to argue both sides of the case. Her logic completely fails her and the time for her to announce her decision was close—what rescues her then?

Why, her irrationality of course. Her decision is based on a silly, fond memory with Steve. It required no afterthought whatsoever. And the moment she revisited the memory, she knew her answer- it was a done deal. Logical love is an oxymoron. Attraction might have some logic, lust definitely does; but not love. Any attempt to “think” feelings is a fail, and anyone who feels as if they have succeeded in doing so, PLEASE tell me how. 

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

I remembered this scene because I was going through a relationship crisis and I sat down to make a pros and cons list so that in a logical way I could make a decision which I could communicate easily to my geeky boyfriend, who fails to understand my irrationality. I realized the same thing that Miranda did. Even though my list of cons was longer (with long distance—with us being in different countries, him being emotionally withdrawn, busy, etc), I realized when I was writing the pros – which included his honesty, my respect for him and the fact that he compliments me every day (just something as silly as that!) I knew I wanted to be with him.

Partly because a girl needs and likes to be complimented and desires a man who’s got the eyes for no one else but her; but also partly because I know that if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone, it has to be with someone who makes me feel wonderful each day. And in the long run, these little things matter. The big things do too, but they shall pass. It won’t be long distance forever and it may take him some more time but emotions have this knack of expressing themselves no matter how much you resist.  

I know my decision now, I’ve known it all along I suppose. Making a pros and cons list is like tossing a coin, you know what you want the moment the coin is in the air, and you know that you’ve known it all along. 

The List and Working Around It

While going through my books, I came across my old diary. It is always refreshing to go down memory lane, but sometimes it catches you off guard especially when you realize how much things have changed. This diary, written around 7 years ago, made me realize how much I had given up and compromised in relationships. What I read was a list of qualities that my “Mr.Perfect” should possess. Every girl has that list, right?

And here I was now, thinking I had found “the one” when half of that list wasn’t even checked! How much had I compromised? And how much of what I had written at that point is even possible now (after knowing how tough the dating world is)?

So here’s the list, along with what I compromised and what I think now is a point that’s moot.  

• “Topping the list is communication. Sure, silence is golden, but a relationship is synonymous to communication and conversation. Knowing what your better half does, feels, etc is of utmost importance. While I’m sure that girls will always be more vocal than guys, I cannot deny that nothing beats an emotionally available, vocal guy!” (My Mr. Right Now is so emotionally withdrawn! His favourite activity is his work. Sure he listens to me, but when it comes to telling me about his day, his only description is “busy”. So much for communication.)
• “TIME is essence. A guy has just got to have time for you. There are no excuses, no explanations for being too busy.” (Like I mentioned- workaholic alert! I feel like laughing at myself.)
•  “Sense of humor! Everyone loves a guy who can make you and your friends laugh!” (Did I just forget how annoying it is when the guy uses humor as a defense mechanism to avoid emotional conversations?! So, though I still agree to the necessity of a good sense of humor; Correction: Everyone loves a guy who can make you and your friends laugh, but knows when to stop being funny and get serious.)
•  "The method of proposing: Since I live(d) in fairytopia, the perfect guy would be all mush and roses. I guess we’re never too old for romance! This is something that will probably stay on my list just as it is. *Sigh*" (He got this one right! What could beat going down on the knees in public just to ask a girl out!)
•  "A guy in touch with his emotions is the DREAM! “Sensitive guys make better boyfriends than macho insensitive pigs.” Enough said.

Well that is it for my list. But it sure makes me wonder what went wrong (or right). How did I get here? Did I just get realistic and decided not to check guys off for not being exactly all of that? When we are young, we’re taught of black and white, love and hate, right and wrong as polar opposites, but we learn from our experience that these coexist in shades of gray. Or could it be that I just decided to compromise because I lost hope? Everyone is rationalizing about how one should “settle” for Mr.Right Now– It could get worse than this!

It is probably best to not look for answers anymore. Maybe, I’ll take another 7 years to see how I got this all wrong too! I think the key to a relationship is happiness. If the degree of happiness is greater than the degree of hurt it causes, I guess it’s okay to settle.

Billy Joel aptly says in one of his songs: “Dream on, but don’t imagine it all come true”.

The Relationship Resume

(Note: I found this post on a friend's blog and loved it so I made my own relationship resume. Check hers out too:

http://shadytalk.blogspot.com/2011/12/dating-resume.html)

Meghna Bohidar

bohidar.meghna@gmail.com

 MISSION

 To find a romantic companion who has no qualms about committing to and maintaining a serious long term relationship that may/should lead to marriage. All this should hopefully be carried out in an environment of open communication, built on mutual trust, honesty and respect for each other’s opinions and feelings. And whilst I believe that happiness is of utmost importance in relationships, sacrifice is a close second.

CORE COMPETENCIES

 Romantic. Honest. Open minded. Ability to not give up easily. Ability to stand up for partner. Emotionally available. Passionate. Adjusting. Love PDA. Creative. Fashionable. Lovable. Flirtatious. No inhibitions. Seductive.

 PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE

 Almost dream-boy (August 2010-present)

 Girlfriend/Alarm clock

•  The most honest and genuine person I have met, who has everything that's there on my list except that he is emotionally withdrawn. I have now understood the value of being with someone I respect and trust because it is the one thing that matters in the long run.
• I successfully overcame trust issues, which I owe mostly to his honesty, perseverance and uninhibited expression of love.
• Learning to deal with a long distance relationship with a person who is busy ALL the time surely deserves a special mention and I was quite surprised at my ability to have handled it for over a year now. I worked really hard adjust to the time difference (which is about 10.5 hours!).
• It has also taken a great deal of effort to be with someone who is emotionally withdrawn. 
• I now have exceedingly high romantic expectations because I found out that movie-like romance could indeed be found and is very real. 
• All in all, this is probably the best relationship I have been in, minus the emotional distance, but I'm on it. (Hence, I don't give up. Skill, much?)

Whiny and cribby loner who thought the world revolves around him (April 2010-August 2010)

Girlfriend/Sole friend

•  Managed to pull myself out of a commitment phobic place (which was actually a defence due to a break up) and finally got back to my true-romantic state.
•  My ability to deal with such a whiny person and even trying to be there for him is commendable. 
• I must admit that my folly of not listening to everyone around me. However, my ability to realize my mistake and act on it ASAP says something about me. Well, that and recognizing when the guy of my dreams comes along (which was in August, I don't know if you observed the overlap), so within a week I was quite over whiny-boy and did not waste much time mourning (thank God).

A series of random boys I met at clubs (April 2009-April 2010)

 Mistress/Potential one night stand/ summer fling/Very very short term girlfriend

• Wow, okay, this whole thing was a huge reaction formation. Complete metamorphosis from the  big ball of romance to a commitment phobic, one night stand kind of girl. It was fun though, I must admit. Getting drunk, getting all the attention from SO many men at the same time- I learnt to multitask (might I say?) and manage multiple flings at once (I once met 3 guys in the one night!).
•  My ability to lie skyrocketed. In my defence, I gave the guys a taste of their own medicine :P But what I learnt, in the end, was the ability to use my attractiveness quotient to get a few drinks.. And that never hurts anybody.
•  I did end up hurting the one guy who actually liked me (who I dated for like 2 days, thanks to my commitment phobia), but a mistake I will never make again.

The high school lover and the one that got away (April 2005-January 2009)

 Long term, marriage material girlfriend

• The longest relationship I have had till date. It was the teenage dream. Lots of drama and fights (we were only 16!), plans to get married and have kids. Somewhat immature in retrospect, but meant something all the same.
•  I learnt not to rush into things, to let things go with the flow and not be too demanding  and controlling (all of these I was in this relationship).
•  I also learnt that when a guy doesn't stand up for you, it's time to stand him up.
•  It dawned upon me how important it was to be with someone I respected. 
• I also understood what the other persons family and acceptance meant to me. 
•  This relation taught me the most and maybe in some twisted way, I am thankful that this happened because now my other serious (present) relation is much better.

 Douche bag whose only interest was in having sex (November 2004-March-2005)

 Date 

Even though we dated for about 4 months, we just went on one proper date. I learnt how to say NO (which I do not regret one bit). I also realized that it is better to repress certain relationships, such as this one.

The first love (November 2003- June 2004)

Girlfriend

• This was my first relationship, and the guy was 3 years older so he was mature enough unlike the 7^th graders around me at school. He was completely in love with me and at that time, I honestly did not know how to be in a relationship. I don't remember much, except that he was chivalrous and treated me quite well.
•  I, sadly, never reciprocated and realized that loved him AFTER we broke up. I regretted it beyond words, but I emerged strong and made a decision never to regret decisions made out of love- they are not meant to be logical or rational, and some mistakes are worth making.
•  Hence, I probably learnt the mantra of my life from this one--nothing is worth regretting, just realizing and not repeating your mistakes is enough. 

EDUCATION & TRAINING

Bachelors in Psychology, India (2008-2011)

Currently pursuing Masters in Pyschology India (2011-2013)

 SKILLS & INTERESTS

 I’m a big fan of romance, especially the kind portrayed in movies.

I love reading books- my favourite authors are Jhumpa Lahiri and Indu Sunderesan (J.K Rowling too, obviously). Apart from that, I love everything about fashion. I love Cosmopolitan (both the drink and the magazine) and Vogue.

 I have the talent (I would say) to be either/both blonde or/and brainy- it depends on the situation. I judge easily. I believe in love, I believe in revenge too. I'm quite social and fun to be around. It matters to me what people think of me, so sometimes I go out of my way to please them-- sometimes to displease them too :P 

Other than that, I can dance. I also flirt coyly and have mastered the art of seduction. I take the best of both worlds -- the damsel in distress and  the femme fatale.