A-Morality

I have a confession: Despite my love for the Victorian era and British propriety, (Oh, you’ll know if you see the Jane Austen series) I pride myself on being amoral. It irks me to see people constantly obsess about what is right or wrong, what they should or shouldn’t do and so on. I just don’t have a punitive superego, actually sometimes I wonder whether I even have one or not.

Anyhow, when it comes to relationships I really feel that “everything is fair in love”- as long as you’re honest about it. Sigh. There comes the first “moral” contradiction that lies in being an amoralist, but just so that it’s clear- I do believe that being humane should be top priority. Then comes doing whatever the hell you want. So no, wife-beating and cheating on your partner is NOT fair in love.

I believe in freedom of feelings. That’s what I mean by being amoral in love. It saddens me to see so many questions of what people (especially women) ought to feel. What the hell does that mean anyway? Forums are filled with questions like “my boyfriend did/does blah blah and I feel so bad about it. 


"SHOULD I feel bad? Or am I overreacting?” Questions like these and replies to them obviously help people feel better by seeing that they’re not the only ones killing themselves over such feelings. I'm no agony aunt, but I feel that they’re oxymoronic. I mean, read your question- you already feel bad. Sure, people could make you feel better by acknowledging (or worse, judging) how you feel, but them telling you that you shouldn't feel the way you're feeling won't change anything, will it?

Also, just an observation: “My boyfriend is amazing, should I feel nice?” doesn't seem to be half as popular.

Feelings don't need censorship, those who pass judgement on them do. "Because I feel so" is a perfectly appropriate answer.

P.S: It’s funny how the moral of the story is to be amoral. Ugh, contradictions.

There's a right way, a wrong way- and then there is the way you feel.

What Women Want: Reversing The Game

What women want from men has generated a series of (never ending) discussion. It is by far the most common of all of men’s worries. Google gave me links to a number of lists of things that women want men to do and not very surprisingly, I agreed with most of the things. Here, check this list of 50 things women want men to do.

The most featured tip was (again, not a surprise) that women felt that men should already know what they want (exactly how I used to think too). That tip is problematic for me because this assumption that men should know is completely wrong and it causes a lot of trouble in relationships- I mean come on, how many times has it happened that you’re sulking because he flirted with someone else (in front of you), and he’s blissfully unaware of it? And we all know how that fight escalates!

The ironical part of this tip is that often in lists, this tip comes with the golden rule of communicating. Women like being communicated to, but when it comes to communicating what they want/need, this rule goes for a toss.

Enough has been said about the women and how they create this situation of confusion for men (and themselves). It is now time to cross the bridge and see how men over-exaggerate this problem and use it to their advantage. Well first off, they keep complaining about how we don’t tell them our problems and expect them to guess. But guess what? When you do tell them exactly what you want, then they don’t know what to do either!

So I started this new thing with my boyfriend. I now tell him exactly everything I want. For example: romantic gestures, support when I need, my need to be communicated to... everything. And it’s not surprising that he still doesn’t know what to do, but at least now he cannot blame me. I feel that maybe men like to live in this doubt, even though we give them a billion signs- verbal and nonverbal- about what we really want. It is like the only excuse for whatever reason it is that they don't like doing those things. So the least we women can do is throw this argument back at them. Don’t give him the chance to say “I don’t know what you want”. Tell him.

Love Isn't Easy

Hello and welcome to ABBA land. Suddenly I feel as if my blog has been taken over by music artists, authors and so on. However, I’m a passionate, impressionistic girl- I am equally prone to getting consumed by them and getting bored by them! Anyhow, this post isn’t to rant. It is to talk about some of the virtues that this particular song (Love Isn’t Easy) teaches me.

For those of you who haven't heard the song, there you go: 

The first rule is- “Love isn’t easy, but it sure is hard enough.” Love is difficult. Period. Actually, all relationships are- even friendship to an extent. Anything that requires letting go of your selfish needs and demands and adjusting to the other person is difficult. Not only that, it’s scary too, to find yourself in a place where you lose your “individuality”, if I may say so.

The golden rule is- “We gotta have patience.” This is one of the most obvious rules that we always tend to forget. No one has the time anymore for patience. The moment my boyfriend does one thing that might show  that he doesn’t care for me anymore, my thoughts jump to breaking up with him. Patience is especially needed after the honeymoon period when things begin to change and no one likes that change!

And finally, the only rule that is the prerequisite of true love is- “If I would have to choose, I wouldn’t let you go. Just give it some more time and you will see our love will grow.” Yes, holding on. Things will get rough- don’t think that if it’s true love then things will always go well: WRONG assumption. Don’t let go every time things get rough.  And next time you feel like letting go (especially for the smaller things), just remember that even though letting go feels like the easier option, getting over someone is harder than loving them. 

Austen Inspired (Part 3): Sense and Sensibility

This is the last of my Austen-inspired posts. The first two were:

1. Austen Inspired (Part 1): Letters and Love

2. Austen Inspired (Part 2): The Dancing Man

This isn't a tribute to one prominent aspect of Jane Austen's writing (like letters or dancing). This is a tribute to her novel, Sense and Sensibility. Even though Pride and Prejudice has always topped the popularity charts, I have my own doubts about it's position there. It is of my opinion that Sense and Sensibility is the most brilliant piece of fiction by Jane Austen. It is through this post that I attempt to justify my opinion and share with you what the novel taught me.

1. I like how Austen lets the relationship between the two sisters- Marianne and Elanor- occupy a central position, as opposed to other novels in which all relations apart from courtship are usually peripheral. I think it is interesting how the two sisters learn from each other- borrowing from each other's world of sense and sensibility. I have often been told by my best friend that I am not grounded in reality (quite like Marianne), while I know that she is. I think we, like the two sisters, have learnt from each other.
   
   
2. Personally, I feel thankful to Austen for not letting sense win over sensibility. It would have been truly sad had that happened. There is a definite balance between the romanticized world view of Marianne (which I believe to be inherently irrational) and the proper and rational world view of Elanor. Both extremes fail and that's how the balance kicks in. I like the Shakespearean touch of romanticism in the world of propriety that Austen lived in.
   
   
3. One word- WILLOUGHBY. Boy, I can't wait to meet a man like him (except the betrayal part). He is everything I want in a man. He's the epitome of romance, more so than Romeo. With him there is passion and poetry, song and dance, rain and sun. Even if it's a short-lived romance, I feel that everyone needs a Willoughby in their lives, just to feel alive. That is what the point of romance is- to feel alive. Actually, my current boyfriend was just like him- it was like a knight in shining armour swept me off my feet- alas, we live in the “real” world where the romance declines considerably after the first year.
   
   
4. At the end, Marianne marries Colonel Brandon. While this may be an unsatisfactory ending for many, I was quite happy. One, it made me realize the value of dedication and undying love. Even though Marianne is busy romancing Willoughby, Brandon's love for her stays where it was. I don't like Brandon for being “Edward-like” (Forgive the twilight reference) and not trying with passion and energy, but sometimes you need a man like that too. A man who will make the effort of reading out poetry to you and stay with you- through thick and thin.
   
   
5. My final (and biggest) reason for such favouritism is the character of Marianne Dashwood. She is frank and outright. It is she who taught me that feelings should be expressed- It doesn't matter whether they're happy or sad, acceptable or unacceptable. Anything that is felt should be expressed even if it makes you feel like a fool at time. Ergo, if you feel like crying, just cry!
   
   
   She made herself vulnerable by leaving the world of propriety behind for love and even though she failed, she got back up gracefully and found love again. That is the biggest lesson I learnt- Failing once in love doesn't mean that you should give up. Sure, it hurts- but love will find a way back into your heart.
   
   
   My impressionistic self is at peak when I read of her and the things she says.
6. 
   
   “The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!”
   To hear those beautiful lines which have frequently almost driven me wild pronounced with such impenetrable calmness, such dreadful indifference!"