Confessions & Consequences

Movie Inspiration: Love Actually

It’s my favourite movie of all time, my favourite Christmas movie in particular. It combines a lot of my interests, actually - my love for love (obviously), my love for stories, my love for the British accent and London, and my love for Christmas.

The scene that I am referring to is the best proposal EVER. And when I say that, it means a lot because I have been brainwashed completely and thoroughly by millions of proposal videos that I have watched (and wanted) over the years. I’m talking about the scene where Andrew Lincoln (Mark) proposes to Keira Knightley (Juliet) by holding up banners.

To be completely honest, this wasn’t my original blog idea. I was going down the clichéd road, as for me and many others this is the ideal proposal. Not that I wouldn't love it if someone proposed to me like this, but there is so much more to this scene than just that.

Whoever hasn’t seen the movie, she is married to his best friend and this confession is just a catharsis because he has been hiding his feelings all this while. At that moment, I did believe that love is pretty much amoral. I still do believe that, and if you see from his perspective, it was the right thing to do. It also takes so much courage to confess and not expect anything in return. Selfless love is after all a rarity.  

What I did not see was the utter confusion it causes in the person who you confess your love to. It is actually mind boggling, even if the person knows that the situation with her husband/partner isn’t going to change- especially if something is expected in return.

I felt the same kind of confusion when an ex boyfriend (who was a long term, serious boyfriend) confessed that he was still in love with me, almost a year after our breakup. I was dating my current boyfriend at that time, and I was very much in love so there was the decision was really a no-brainer, but the first thing I felt was an overwhelming sense of guilt. I didn’t know how I could “reward” him for having the courage to tell me.

Sacrifices and such things have always been (and still are) elusive concepts for me, but in that moment I knew sacrificial love existed. My ex said that didn’t want to get back with me, because he feared that he would hurt me again. All he wanted to do was tell me, and that is exactly what he did.

Maybe that was my saving point, and Kiera Knightley’s too because there was no demand from the other end. I didn’t have to make a choice, and that made the guilt pass sooner. Eventually, I felt wonderful, as if someone had secretly loved me, watched me while I was blissfully unaware of it- for six long years.

"To love is to be vulnerable"

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. To love is to be vulnerable.” 

― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Movie Inspiration: He’s Just Not That Into You

Apart from the obviously important message this movie sent out, I found one story in the movie especially alarming. Remember Ben (Bradley Cooper) and Janine (Jennifer Connelly)? For those of you haven't seen the movie—they are a married couple and Ben has an affair with Anna (Scarlett Johansson). When Ben confesses, the first thing he says is that he wants to move out whereas Janine is the one who thinks that they could work it out.

One couple I know is getting divorced because they are/were in a similar situation- she wanted to make it work and not the other way round. Now, why the guy wants to leave is a  completely different argument altogether and I'm not getting into that, it's his prerogative. What shocks me is the complete indifference that the person who cheats doesn't even care enough to sort it out or explain to his/her partner. There is no apparent guilt, if at all there is any real guilt.

So Janine here (like the woman in the couple I know) runs after Ben trying to get him to explain to her what she did wrong. Sheesh. If you ask me, that is all the way down to strike 3- making oneself so very vulnerable. When I saw this happening to someone close to me, my first reaction was again a mixture of helplessness and frustration- something I think was a projection of her feelings on to me. But gradually (it's been a couple of months), I have realized that it's okay to be vulnerable. In fact, sometimes, it's better to be vulnerable in love because no matter how foolish it makes you feel, it rules out the chances of regret. Janine tried. Period.

A feeling of vulnerability might also come from little things. For me, it was the first time I cried in front of my boyfriend that I felt so exposed. I felt that I was giving him a sense of power over me and making myself vulnerable. I'm comfortable now, trusting him with that power- knowing he wouldn't misuse it.  It doesn’t take as much of an effort to be calculative and hold back as it does to let yourself go and be vulnerable. And sometimes it just takes an act of vulnerability to build trust. 

The Irrationality Behind The Pros and Cons List

In most relationships, it is very hard to let go. It might also be equally hard to stay put with the person who might have hurt you or whose needs are very different from yours. Relationships, especially at the verge of a breakup, are known to cause a severe avoidance-avoidance conflict that can take a toll mentally. A logical way that is often suggested to us is to make a pros and cons list to help us make our decision. But does that really work in the obvious way that people think it does?

MOVIE INSPIRATION: SEX AND THE CITY

This reminds me the movie “Sex and the City” where after Steve cheats on Miranda, they decide to undergo therapy. The therapist tells them to make a list of pros and cons and decide whether they want to be together or not. Miranda, as whoever has watched sex and the city will know, is the quintessential lawyer. She is logical, practical and sets down to argue both sides of the case. Her logic completely fails her and the time for her to announce her decision was close—what rescues her then?

Why, her irrationality of course. Her decision is based on a silly, fond memory with Steve. It required no afterthought whatsoever. And the moment she revisited the memory, she knew her answer- it was a done deal. Logical love is an oxymoron. Attraction might have some logic, lust definitely does; but not love. Any attempt to “think” feelings is a fail, and anyone who feels as if they have succeeded in doing so, PLEASE tell me how. 

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

I remembered this scene because I was going through a relationship crisis and I sat down to make a pros and cons list so that in a logical way I could make a decision which I could communicate easily to my geeky boyfriend, who fails to understand my irrationality. I realized the same thing that Miranda did. Even though my list of cons was longer (with long distance—with us being in different countries, him being emotionally withdrawn, busy, etc), I realized when I was writing the pros – which included his honesty, my respect for him and the fact that he compliments me every day (just something as silly as that!) I knew I wanted to be with him.

Partly because a girl needs and likes to be complimented and desires a man who’s got the eyes for no one else but her; but also partly because I know that if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone, it has to be with someone who makes me feel wonderful each day. And in the long run, these little things matter. The big things do too, but they shall pass. It won’t be long distance forever and it may take him some more time but emotions have this knack of expressing themselves no matter how much you resist.  

I know my decision now, I’ve known it all along I suppose. Making a pros and cons list is like tossing a coin, you know what you want the moment the coin is in the air, and you know that you’ve known it all along. 

The List and Working Around It

While going through my books, I came across my old diary. It is always refreshing to go down memory lane, but sometimes it catches you off guard especially when you realize how much things have changed. This diary, written around 7 years ago, made me realize how much I had given up and compromised in relationships. What I read was a list of qualities that my “Mr.Perfect” should possess. Every girl has that list, right?

And here I was now, thinking I had found “the one” when half of that list wasn’t even checked! How much had I compromised? And how much of what I had written at that point is even possible now (after knowing how tough the dating world is)?

So here’s the list, along with what I compromised and what I think now is a point that’s moot.  

• “Topping the list is communication. Sure, silence is golden, but a relationship is synonymous to communication and conversation. Knowing what your better half does, feels, etc is of utmost importance. While I’m sure that girls will always be more vocal than guys, I cannot deny that nothing beats an emotionally available, vocal guy!” (My Mr. Right Now is so emotionally withdrawn! His favourite activity is his work. Sure he listens to me, but when it comes to telling me about his day, his only description is “busy”. So much for communication.)
• “TIME is essence. A guy has just got to have time for you. There are no excuses, no explanations for being too busy.” (Like I mentioned- workaholic alert! I feel like laughing at myself.)
•  “Sense of humor! Everyone loves a guy who can make you and your friends laugh!” (Did I just forget how annoying it is when the guy uses humor as a defense mechanism to avoid emotional conversations?! So, though I still agree to the necessity of a good sense of humor; Correction: Everyone loves a guy who can make you and your friends laugh, but knows when to stop being funny and get serious.)
•  "The method of proposing: Since I live(d) in fairytopia, the perfect guy would be all mush and roses. I guess we’re never too old for romance! This is something that will probably stay on my list just as it is. *Sigh*" (He got this one right! What could beat going down on the knees in public just to ask a girl out!)
•  "A guy in touch with his emotions is the DREAM! “Sensitive guys make better boyfriends than macho insensitive pigs.” Enough said.

Well that is it for my list. But it sure makes me wonder what went wrong (or right). How did I get here? Did I just get realistic and decided not to check guys off for not being exactly all of that? When we are young, we’re taught of black and white, love and hate, right and wrong as polar opposites, but we learn from our experience that these coexist in shades of gray. Or could it be that I just decided to compromise because I lost hope? Everyone is rationalizing about how one should “settle” for Mr.Right Now– It could get worse than this!

It is probably best to not look for answers anymore. Maybe, I’ll take another 7 years to see how I got this all wrong too! I think the key to a relationship is happiness. If the degree of happiness is greater than the degree of hurt it causes, I guess it’s okay to settle.

Billy Joel aptly says in one of his songs: “Dream on, but don’t imagine it all come true”.

The Relationship Resume

(Note: I found this post on a friend's blog and loved it so I made my own relationship resume. Check hers out too:

http://shadytalk.blogspot.com/2011/12/dating-resume.html)

Meghna Bohidar

bohidar.meghna@gmail.com

 MISSION

 To find a romantic companion who has no qualms about committing to and maintaining a serious long term relationship that may/should lead to marriage. All this should hopefully be carried out in an environment of open communication, built on mutual trust, honesty and respect for each other’s opinions and feelings. And whilst I believe that happiness is of utmost importance in relationships, sacrifice is a close second.

CORE COMPETENCIES

 Romantic. Honest. Open minded. Ability to not give up easily. Ability to stand up for partner. Emotionally available. Passionate. Adjusting. Love PDA. Creative. Fashionable. Lovable. Flirtatious. No inhibitions. Seductive.

 PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE

 Almost dream-boy (August 2010-present)

 Girlfriend/Alarm clock

•  The most honest and genuine person I have met, who has everything that's there on my list except that he is emotionally withdrawn. I have now understood the value of being with someone I respect and trust because it is the one thing that matters in the long run.
• I successfully overcame trust issues, which I owe mostly to his honesty, perseverance and uninhibited expression of love.
• Learning to deal with a long distance relationship with a person who is busy ALL the time surely deserves a special mention and I was quite surprised at my ability to have handled it for over a year now. I worked really hard adjust to the time difference (which is about 10.5 hours!).
• It has also taken a great deal of effort to be with someone who is emotionally withdrawn. 
• I now have exceedingly high romantic expectations because I found out that movie-like romance could indeed be found and is very real. 
• All in all, this is probably the best relationship I have been in, minus the emotional distance, but I'm on it. (Hence, I don't give up. Skill, much?)

Whiny and cribby loner who thought the world revolves around him (April 2010-August 2010)

Girlfriend/Sole friend

•  Managed to pull myself out of a commitment phobic place (which was actually a defence due to a break up) and finally got back to my true-romantic state.
•  My ability to deal with such a whiny person and even trying to be there for him is commendable. 
• I must admit that my folly of not listening to everyone around me. However, my ability to realize my mistake and act on it ASAP says something about me. Well, that and recognizing when the guy of my dreams comes along (which was in August, I don't know if you observed the overlap), so within a week I was quite over whiny-boy and did not waste much time mourning (thank God).

A series of random boys I met at clubs (April 2009-April 2010)

 Mistress/Potential one night stand/ summer fling/Very very short term girlfriend

• Wow, okay, this whole thing was a huge reaction formation. Complete metamorphosis from the  big ball of romance to a commitment phobic, one night stand kind of girl. It was fun though, I must admit. Getting drunk, getting all the attention from SO many men at the same time- I learnt to multitask (might I say?) and manage multiple flings at once (I once met 3 guys in the one night!).
•  My ability to lie skyrocketed. In my defence, I gave the guys a taste of their own medicine :P But what I learnt, in the end, was the ability to use my attractiveness quotient to get a few drinks.. And that never hurts anybody.
•  I did end up hurting the one guy who actually liked me (who I dated for like 2 days, thanks to my commitment phobia), but a mistake I will never make again.

The high school lover and the one that got away (April 2005-January 2009)

 Long term, marriage material girlfriend

• The longest relationship I have had till date. It was the teenage dream. Lots of drama and fights (we were only 16!), plans to get married and have kids. Somewhat immature in retrospect, but meant something all the same.
•  I learnt not to rush into things, to let things go with the flow and not be too demanding  and controlling (all of these I was in this relationship).
•  I also learnt that when a guy doesn't stand up for you, it's time to stand him up.
•  It dawned upon me how important it was to be with someone I respected. 
• I also understood what the other persons family and acceptance meant to me. 
•  This relation taught me the most and maybe in some twisted way, I am thankful that this happened because now my other serious (present) relation is much better.

 Douche bag whose only interest was in having sex (November 2004-March-2005)

 Date 

Even though we dated for about 4 months, we just went on one proper date. I learnt how to say NO (which I do not regret one bit). I also realized that it is better to repress certain relationships, such as this one.

The first love (November 2003- June 2004)

Girlfriend

• This was my first relationship, and the guy was 3 years older so he was mature enough unlike the 7^th graders around me at school. He was completely in love with me and at that time, I honestly did not know how to be in a relationship. I don't remember much, except that he was chivalrous and treated me quite well.
•  I, sadly, never reciprocated and realized that loved him AFTER we broke up. I regretted it beyond words, but I emerged strong and made a decision never to regret decisions made out of love- they are not meant to be logical or rational, and some mistakes are worth making.
•  Hence, I probably learnt the mantra of my life from this one--nothing is worth regretting, just realizing and not repeating your mistakes is enough. 

EDUCATION & TRAINING

Bachelors in Psychology, India (2008-2011)

Currently pursuing Masters in Pyschology India (2011-2013)

 SKILLS & INTERESTS

 I’m a big fan of romance, especially the kind portrayed in movies.

I love reading books- my favourite authors are Jhumpa Lahiri and Indu Sunderesan (J.K Rowling too, obviously). Apart from that, I love everything about fashion. I love Cosmopolitan (both the drink and the magazine) and Vogue.

 I have the talent (I would say) to be either/both blonde or/and brainy- it depends on the situation. I judge easily. I believe in love, I believe in revenge too. I'm quite social and fun to be around. It matters to me what people think of me, so sometimes I go out of my way to please them-- sometimes to displease them too :P 

Other than that, I can dance. I also flirt coyly and have mastered the art of seduction. I take the best of both worlds -- the damsel in distress and  the femme fatale.